Hog On Ice

Hog On Ice: "I've never gotten much attention from women to begin with except when they wanted things, so it's not that traumatic to be reminded that my only hope of hooking up is to find someone as old and gross as myself and tape a photo of Aisha Tyler on the headboard in order to get through sex. But I can understand why men like George Clooney spazz out when they hit 40. One minute, the nookie faucet is pouring full blast, and the next, they can see Father Time's hand turning the valve clockwise. Then the flow slows to a trickle, and then it's just drops, and after that, you're on your face licking the bottom of the tub, mumbling, 'My house is paid for! I have a Porsche!'

I guess athletes have it the worst. Especially college athletes who aren't good enough to go pro. While they're playing, women will literally beg to have sex with them. But on graduation day that all comes to an end, and for the first time in their lives, they find out what it's like to get shot down most of the time. Like the rest of us.

I think I'm going to start wearing plaid Bermudas and dark brown socks. And a crappy little straw hat, like Matt Drudge. It's time to dress my age. The one positive about being so old is that my liver spots may get so big they merge into a bitchin' tan.

I need to start dating a lady who has Oil of Olay on her dresser and takes Boniva. A lady with a great big Caesarean scar and a wide, amorphous rear end from having five babies for someone else. With a prescription for lubricant, to reduce the squeaking noises. Someone with kids old enough to drive but younger than my oldest pair of shoes.

I'll tell you what. I am never going inside a club where young people are dancing again, as long as I live. Watching them makes me feel like Ebenezer Scrooge, staring at his own headstone. Anyway, banning myself from clubs is not a big sacrifice. I swore off clubs a couple of years ago when I vowed never to dance again unless a poisonous snake crawled up my pants leg.

Where can I learn how to play shuffleboard? Is it too late to start lessons? They'll probably make me get a doctor's note saying it's safe for me to play.

Oh, man. Pick me out a nice retirement condo, because here I come."